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The Suckling (1990)

Guest post by Kit Lively, a comedy writer and cartoonist who has been published by National Lampoon, MAD Magazine, Playboy, and many others. He is currently the Managing Editor at Weekly Humorist.

The political divide is a gaping chasm in the U.S., and there's perhaps no greater example of that than the shrieking masses debating between pro-choice and pro-life. Let's face it, these two groups will never see eye to eye, as much as we all may hope for better days. But maybe we can all find a way to see eye to deformed mutant killer fetus eye? For it is my belief that, no matter our personal political beliefs, we can all come together and agree that The Suckling is a delightful film. The Hallmark Channel's loss is our gain.

We initially find our protagonists doing a bit of window shopping at the local abortion clinic/brothel. They're just there to weigh their options, and see what would be involved in the disposal of her unborn baby. She obviously shouldn't have trusted the guy (was he good for his word when he said that he would "only put it in for a second"? C'mon honey...), as they're barely through the door when she's grabbed and quickly drugged, the procedure performed without her consent or knowledge (on the other hand, they did accept her HMO at least).

So these are obviously scummy people who deserve to die in a gruesome fashion, right? Unfortunately, Mom is still doped up and in no condition to exact bloody revenge. Luckily, when Jr was flushed down the commode, he plopped right into a puddle of toxic goo, and is now an eight-foot tall, pink, glistening and veiny behemoth, who is just as likely to disembowel you with a sharp claw as he is to pop off your head with his trusty umbilical cord.

So there you have it. A very fun variation of the familiar horror trope of trapping a group of people in one location, and then having them picked off by someone/something that lurks in the shadows (in this case, they can't get out because our little fella has wrapped the entire house in a shroud of placenta). The brothel location, as well as the assortment of wacky, unsavory characters, gives The Suckling quite a bit of flavor (eeewww!) and funny situations, which are quickly interrupted by violent, bloody attacks by the ferocious fetus.

But is it a good movie? It's a movie about a gigantic killer fetus using his scraggly umbilical cord to murder a large group of scumbags in a brothel. Of course it's a good movie.


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